The Neighbors 7: A Moment of Empathy

Some emotions have a duration, others last

Photo by Kyle Broad on Unsplash

Our old friends and heroes have left the castle by the sea, now living their normal lives after a good and well-deserved rest and recovery.

Being retired comes with the convenience of being allowed to think back and to consider the overall perspectives of society — and the freedom to do this only as much as you want, since it all stays between you and the few people you choose to share it with.

Most younger people live much more for the now and for the future, thinking very much about the consequences of everything. They are often dramatizing the current situation, being unable to see the forest for the trees.

That’s a great advantage of being old.

Today, Maria and Peter were talking over a cup of coffee. Talking is the right way of putting it, as none of them hear very well, so they are actually speaking more than they listen.

One thing did catch Maria’s ears, though — when Peter mentioned a sad situation his niece was in, being clearly desperate while still trying to fix it all herself, refusing to accept the help Peter had offered her.

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The situation was this: The niece had locked herself up with many obligations. Apart from going to work, full-time, she was engaged in various organisations, was trying to visit old study mates and friends as often as possible, and herself inviting these over for a dinner almost every weekend. She also had a husband and two small children, and people around her had long been wondering just how she managed to live such a busy life, doing all those things, and with success, as it seemed. She seemed to have an endless amount of energy — until she didn’t.

One day, some small additional problems appeared, that she had to take care of. Nothing impossible, but that led to cancelling some other arrangements, and at work, where her colleagues and managers were used to seeing her being on time with everything, they suddenly experienced that she was lacking behind.

The niece herself was far from happy about the situation and apologised right and left, and somehow all those people around her who used to get a lot from her felt entitled to start complaining and showing their unhappiness with her now seemingly lesser engagement in virtually everything.

One day, she found herself breaking down, crying all morning and having to report herself ill at work. Her husband brought the children to the kindergarten and went himself to work — a long day due to an important meeting. The two had quarrelled a bit in the morning, as he — like everybody else — was unhappy about her situation, and he took it personally, like if she did it to him, on purpose.

At first, she had considered the day off, with no children and no husband for the whole day, to be a blessing. Now she could rest and get back to her normal, energetic way. There should be time for some cleaning as well, and for preparing various things. In the midst of her desperation, she did see a glimpse of optimism: this day would rescue her world, bring back everything to what it always was.

Only, all that didn’t happen. The day moved forward much too quickly, and she got nervous, cried even more, and ended up getting absolutely no rest, getting nothing done, and feeling completely miserable.

When she went to pick up the children, she longed very much to see them, but they immediately sensed that there was something wrong with mummy, making them misbehave in various ways. One of them didn’t want to leave the kindergarten, the other started shouting and beating things.

She couldn’t handle it well, started shouting at them, which made them cry, but somehow they managed to get home. The next few hours until her husband came home were terrible, and as he was tired and obviously had been drinking at the meeting, they again quarrelled.

A sleepless night later, she realised that she had a serious breakdown and needed to talk to someone to get help.

Now, this about getting help is easier said than done in most parts of the world. Even if there are psychologists, they have long waiting lists — or cost so much that normal people can’t afford them. And most people don’t even know what possibilities exist and how to get in touch with them, as psychology help is considered a taboo. It is done in secret and nobody ever mentions it to their friends or colleagues.

So she did what most others would do: she told her husband in the morning that she was ill, and he would need to take care of everything that day, to his outspoken dismay, and then she went, in desperation, to their usual doctor’s open consultation in the morning — was in a line with people having all kinds of illnesses, which made her feel both sad and confused. Was she really ill? Did she deserve to take the time that these other people would need?

She actually decided to go home and was picking up her coat, when suddenly she was called in; it was her turn now.

By a great luck this doctor, despite being busy and stressed himself, immediately understood what the problem was. He couldn’t solve it, though, but he managed to book a time for her with a stress consultant. It was not the first time he had seen this, he told her. In fact, it was very common, and from the other patients he knew that this consultant was very good.

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The story went on, as Peter was telling about all the details his niece had told him on the phone. She was now in therapy, seeing the consultant for an hour each week, had made an agreement with her work that she wouldn’t be there for the next three months, and her husband had arranged a holiday from his work for a couple of weeks, taken the children with him to his parents, and she was now alone at home.

As she said, this was not ideal. She missed her family, but how else to arrange for her to get some time to rest? And they were planning for her husband to come back to her, without the children, at least some of the time during his holiday, so that they could go for walks, maybe have dinner out, and do whatever could help her out of her situation.

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Maria may be old and have had her working life in different times, but she knew what that niece was going through. While Maria doesn’t herself have any children, she has friends who have, and she had seen how some of them were pushing themselves much too hard. It had been a while ago, though, when they were all younger, and people didn’t break down in those days.

Some, who did, would end up in a mental hospital, but that was considered the worst of all destinies. So everybody were always just biting their teeth together and lived through it.

One thing she had seen work well for these, her old friends, was to get offloaded a bit from some of the tasks — and get rid of some others altogether.

Maria told Peter that she could help. She keeps surprising, but Peter has become used to it and could only tell her that it would be much appreciated, since the niece was very much worried about what would happen when her husband’s holiday was over, and she would have to deal with life again.

Immediately, Maria grabbed the phone and called her old friend Anna. Anna is always full of energy — well, we know that, of course, as we have met her at the castle by the lake — and a secret weapon of Anna’s was her big family. Maybe someone there could help?

A few minutes later, and they had agreed that Anna’s granddaughter would talk to Peter’s niece about offering a few hours of help per week during some time, to offload her from some of the housekeeping and children’s care, leaving more time for the niece to recover.

“And then”, Maria insisted, looking seriously at Peter, “You must talk to your niece often, making sure that she stops doing so many things. She must pick those few things she needs to do, and only them. The globe will still spin, even if she is not making it do it.”

Let’s see how it goes, but it all looks promising!